


Dear Paul II

by sunny_impalas



Series: Darrel Curtis' Notebook [7]
Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Death, Diary/Journal, Letters, M/M, Sad, Vietnam, god why is this so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunny_impalas/pseuds/sunny_impalas
Summary: Some more letters for Paul.





	Dear Paul II

" _Dear Paul_

_I think you're starting to get tired of me. We've been getting into more fights about me being open with you. And I'm trying, Paul, I really am. My mind just won't let me believe that you actually love me. That you won't leave._

_And I know you would say something about how I control my brain and that I'm using it as am excuse, at least if we were fighting. If we weren't maybe it'd be a different story. Anyway, I just want you to know that it's not me controlling my brain. It feels like my brain is trying to sabotage me however it can._

_I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I can't scream for help because people would tell me just to man up. I have a good life, who am I to complain? And I'd apologize and keep my mouth shut._

_I want to trust you Paul, but it's so damn hard. The others have cheated on me, died, or I've let them down. Sometimes I womder if I even deserve love. Especially from someone like you. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up._

_I'm sorry, Paul. I'll try harder._

_-Darry_ " 

Two-Bit wanted to punch Paul Holden. He hated how insensitive he was to Darry. He hated that Darry felt like he was the one who was supposed to apologize. In all honesty, he just hated Paul. The redhead sighed, he needed to get over himself. Darry was clearly upset when he wrote this, so he was only getting the parts that Darry needed to get out in order to calm himself. He was sure of it.

He flipped the page to keep on reading. He rolled his eyes when he saw Paul's name yet again. He really didn't know what Darry saw in this guy. He was an asshole, in all honesty. Was that just his jealousy talking? Possibly, but he had hated Paul long before he had started reading Darry's letters, so maybe it was a little bit of both. He rolled his shoulders in an attempt to lessen some of the tension that had gathered there. He sighed and started to read the letter.

" _Dear Paul,_

_I guess I hoped for too much. You couldn't seem to understand that it's impossible for me to completely move on from David. We fought about it last night when we broke up. You said he was dead, and you weren't. Why couldn't I see that._ _And, in all honesty, that's a fantastic question. Why can't I get over David? I've been trying to answer that myself. The answer that makes the most sense to me is that he died in a war he didn't believe in. He did not support the war and he was forced to go. He lost his life to a pointless war. If he had been born just a fucking day earlier he wouldn't have gone. And that's what's bugged me the most. It was a lottery and David had to be the unlucky winner._

_I miss him so much, Paul. I know you miss him too, he was our teammate, but you need to understand that he was more than that to me. He was so much more than just a boyfriend, I don't know if I'm ever going to love someone like I loved him again. His birthday is in a few days, and it's been wearing down on me. I'm going to visit his grave and talk to him. You'd say that's stupid, he can't hear you._

_And I'd want to slap you because maybe the idea that he's out there somewhere and can hear me makes me feel better. Makes me feel not as alone as I have since he died. And you'd say I'm not alone and I wouldn't know how to explain that I am. I feel completely abandoned in this shitty world. Am I too attached to David? Maybe. Am I justified? I think I am, at least a little bit. The last thing he said to me was that he'd come back. And he didn't._

_And who the hell says you won't be drafted, Paul? Who says I won't? It freaks me out, the idea of being drafted. I'd do anything to not be drafted. I don't want to go to the place where David died, possibly stand where he got shot to death._

_And, I'm crying now. Sorry, I didn't mean to get the paper wet. I'm really sorry, Paul. I wanted to be a good boyfriend. I wanted us to work. I wanted to try and start healing, but obviously that didn't work out. I'm so so sorry, Paul. I'm sorry. I've said sorry too much, haven't I?_

_I just don't know what else to say. I feel terrible. Sorry Paul, I should've tried harder. I should've tried harder to forget David. After all, he's dead. He can't come back. Sorry._

_-Darry_ "

If Two-Bit didn't want to punch Paul before, he really wanted to punch him now. It wasn't Darry's fault for still being upset over David. He had no idea what he would do if he was dating somebody and they died, especially in such a violent way. He hated the idea of Darry going to Vietnam, he didn't deserve that. Of all the people he knew, Darry was one of the ones that deserved that the least. He hoped that the draft never came for him.

Two-Bit wanted Dar to be happy, but so far the universe was deciding that that wasn't going to happen. He didn't know what to do, but he had to do something. He sighed, knowing he had to read on. He flipped the page, and suddenly he really did not want to keep reading. He set down the notebook and stood up, pacing around Darry's room.

Did he really have any right to be reading this? This notebook showed Darry at his most vulnerable, he had seen the paper rippled with more tears he ever thought Darry had cried. He didn't know what to do, but eventually he resigned to sit back on the bed and keep reading. If he had any chance at helping Darry, this was probably the way to do this.

" _Dear Mom and Dad_ "


End file.
